CARRIE: Once upon a long time ago, there was an island...
...some Dutch, some Indians and some beads.
And those beads led to steamboats and skyscrapers...
...Wall Street and electric lights...
...newspapers, Ellis Island, the Yankees...
...Central Park and the first World's Fair...
...Broadway, the Chrysler Building and Studio 54.
I like to think of that as New York City B. C:
Before Carrie.
Hi, guys.
I arrived on this island at exactly 3:30 p. m...
...on Tuesday, June 11th, 1986.
Oh. Oh!
Cab! Cab, cab, cab! Taxi! Ca...!
It seems like only yesterday.
Taxi!
Thank you.
The very next year, I met Charlotte.
We were on a subway car at 2 a.m. when a homeless man dropped his pants.
Miranda and I met in 1989 at Bloomingdale's.
I was working in the dress department.
She was crying in the changing room.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hi. How are you?
I met Samantha when she was bartending at CBGB's.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
[YELLS]
- Bite me! MAN: My place or yours?
- Hi. - How are you?
SAMANTHA: Let's go.
Hi.
Ready?
Time is a funny thing.
A decade can flash by in an uneventful second.
And then, in just two years, monumental things can happen.
Things you couldn't imagine happening in a million years.
Welcome to Bergdorf Goodman. May I help you?
Yes, our friend is getting married.
- I never thought I'd see this day. - You and me both.
Hell just froze over.
- What's the name? - Oh, Blatch. It's Stanford Blatch.
Actually, I think they're registered under both names.
Her best gay friend is marrying my best gay friend.
- That's wonderful. - I know.
- Let me get the registry. - Thanks.
How did this even happen? I thought they hated each other.
It's like musical chairs. The music stopped and they were the last two left standing.
When you thought everyone you knew was too old to get married, here come the gays.
And so, one weekend, we all gathered at a charming inn in Connecticut...
...where the view was breathtaking...
...and the wedding was legal.
How's my tie?
- How's my tie? - Wow.
You didn't tell me you were wearing that.
Well, I am the best man.
Oh, and you need a little help here.
So is a gay wedding shorter or longer than a straight wedding?
- Why? - Just wanna know what I'm in for.
Well, I think the marriage ceremony is about the same...
...but I have no idea how long the sacrificing of the straight men will take.
There you go.
Don't make me look too good. Gay wedding.
Will you please stop referring to this as a gay wedding?
Well, isn't it a gay wedding?
Well, yes, but it's not just a gay wedding.
It's Stanford and Anthony's wedding.
- Mm. Got it. - Mm-hm.
Whoops. Your fly is down.
Better let me. These things can be tricky.
[ZIPPER ZIPS]
You did not pull it up.
I have to be there in an hour. I'm the best man.
Then I better do my best.
Don't wanna be late to my first gay wedding.
This is not a gay wedding.
Wasting time talking.
[CHEERING]
MAN: Oh, come on, you're not gonna.
CHOIR [SINGING]: If ever I would leave you
It wouldn't be in summer
Seeing you in summer
Okay, it's a gay wedding.
Your hair streaked with sunlight
Hey.
- Hey. - Hello.
- White enough? - This is what it looks like...
...when you stare directly into the sun.
Well, I think it's beautiful.
Oh, this wedding is way more than beautiful.
It's Lady Di.
- Mommy, can I go look at the swans? CHARLOTTE: Yes, honey.
Sure, baby. Stay where we can see you, okay?
- Right there. LILY: Hi, swans.
CHARLOTTE: Oh, there's Samantha. Hey. - You brought your dog?
It's a gay wedding. I figured, what's one more little bitch with an attitude?
You guys, shouldn't we be a little bit more PC?
ANTHONY: Char!
Anthony! Hey.
Can you believe this place?
It looks like the Snow Queen exploded.
- How's that for PC? - True.
So you're not the wedding planner?
Hell to the no. I pulled out when Stanford mentioned swans.
Finally, I just threw up my arms, whatever he wants, give it to him.
Aw.
Yep, Stanford gets the wedding of his dreams and I get to cheat.
And don't give me that face, Char.
Just because I'm getting married doesn't mean I have to change who I am.
So you're allowed to cheat because you're gay?
No, because I'm Italian.
[CHUCKLES]
Carrie, Stanford's looking for you.
Cute hat.
MAN: Anthony. ANTHONY: Coming.
I don't get it. Why get married if you're gonna cheat?
Well, he didn't say he was going to cheat, he just said he was allowed to cheat.
Is that how you heard it?
- Well, it's not really any of our business. - Except, he told us.
I'm just saying, I think every couple has the right to make their own rules.
Well, not really. It's marriage.
- Hey, who wants a cocktail? - Oh, I do.
And see if they have any food. I need a little nosh.
Eight years later, she's finally a Jew.
CHOIR: There were bells on a hill
Oh, Stanny. You're wearing white.
Like a virgin.
Touched for the very first time.
Hi.
So, what do you think of everything?
You have swans.
- Too much? - When are swans ever too much?
I don't know what came over me.
Remember that summer when I got hooked on coke?
- Mm. - This was like that.
Well, you dropped quite a bundle.
Well, I've been saving for this day since I was 19.
You always knew you were gonna get married?
Yes. I just thought it would be to a chubby, patient Jewish girl.
FYI, Anthony's out there telling people he's allowed to cheat.
I know.
He hates the tradition so he pushes against it.
So he is allowed to cheat?
Yes, but only in the 45 states where we're not legally married.
Okay, now you do mine.
"Carrie Preston"?
What?
Nothing, I'm just surprised not to be "Bradshaw" at your wedding.
The wedding planner said that couples are always listed under their married names.
Oh, that makes sense.
Are you taking Anthony's name?
No. We're guys.
"Guys"? Have you seen yourself in the mirror, Lady Dior?
[CHUCKLES]
Bitch.
- Hey, did anybody send up my, um...? - Oh.
Now, the boutonniere may say "Preston."
But the hat...
...says "Bradshaw."
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight To sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze
Sunrise, sunset
Who's that hot straight guy with Carrie?
- That's Anthony's brother, Nicky. - How can you tell that he's straight?
It's a gift.
Could this wedding get any gayer?
Look who's marrying them.
MAN: Oh, my...
[PEOPLE GASPING]
Sunrise, sunset
Why would Liza say yes to this?
It's a law of physics.
Any time there's this much gay energy in one room, Liza manifests.
[LAUGHS]
Another
Laden with happiness
And tears
CARRIE: A little while later, it was time for Stanford and Anthony to exchange vows.
And now, the brooms have written their own v..."Brooms"?
Bride, groom. Broom.
Oh, broom. Oh, that's marvelous.
Thank you, Liza Minnelli.
[LAUGHING]
Quiet, now.
Weddings are serious.
At least that's what I've heard.
"It was not exactly love at first sight.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
But it turns out, it was love.
You are the first man to accept me...
...for the man that I actually am."
That's the thing about tradition.
Like it or not, it sneaks in.
Mazeltov!
MINNELLl: Congratulations.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SINGING] All the single ladies - [SINGING] All the single ladies
- All the single ladies - All the single ladies
All the single ladies Now put your hands up
Up in the club We just broke up
I'm doing my own little thing
You decided to dip But now you wanna trip
'Cause another guy noticed me
I'm up on him He's up on me
Don't pay him any attention
Cried my tears Three good years
Can't be mad at me
'Cause if you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
If you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad Once you see that he wants it
If you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Whoa, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh Oh, oh, oh
Don't treat me to the things Of the world
I'm not that kind of girl
Hey. How's everything?
Fine. Rose is giving her a hard time.
Should I go up to the room?
What was the point of bringing the nanny out here, then?
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, Rose is just driving us a little crazy.
No, not crazy. She's just a little fussy. Everything's fine.
MINNELLI [SINGING]: If you don't you'll be alone
And like a ghost I'll be gone
If you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad Once you see that he wants it
If you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad Once you see that he wants it
If you liked it Then you should've put a ring
Oh, ohh, ohhhh
Good luck.
[CHEERING]
Now I know why we got married.
So we wouldn't have to dance to that song at weddings.
That the only reason?
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
- I have to try on your crown. - Oh, you have to.
[PHONE CHIMES]
I'm sorry.
- Hey, I'm kissing here. - I have to. It's from him.
It's Saturday. You're at a wedding.
Did I mention that he hates me?
Who would dare hate you?
The new senior law partner at her firm. He rides her ass nonstop.
- Why? MIRANDA: No idea.
It's like he can't stand the sound of my voice.
Every time I open my mouth, he shuts me down.
Sometimes he holds his hand up like this:
- Ew! - Yeah. He hates me less over e-mail.
How's it going?
Good. Thanks.
Enjoy.
You have a nice night.
- Thank you. - A guy just hit on me.
Really?
How's it make you feel?
Like I still got it.
You most certainly do.
- So sorry to bother you. I'm sorry. - Sorry.
- I'm so sorry to bother you. - It's okay.
I've just been reading your books for years and your column.
I swear, we had the exact same dating life.
- Wow. MAN: Cut to the chase, Ellen.
She means she is you.
I am. I am you.
Well, in that case, may I introduce you to your husband, John James Preston.
- Hi. - Good to meet you.
- Hey. - How long have you been married?
Well, it'll be two years next month.
We're married two years next month as well.
- Wow. You are me. ELLEN: I guess.
We're expecting a baby, and get this: the due date is our anniversary.
Well, I'm not pregnant. Well, I guess that's obvious.
- Surrogate. - Wow. Congratulations.
MAN: You guys have kids?
If you need a surrogate service, ours was flawless.
Oh, no, thanks. It's not a surrogate situation. We're just not having children.
You don't want kids?
Well, no, we love them.
It's just not for us.
So it's going to be just...
...you two?
Uh, but she does have a new book coming out next month.
Great. Great. And what's that about?
Marriage.
Well...
Have a nice night.
And all this time I thought Samantha was my publicist.
I had to say something. She looked like someone told her there was no Santa.
May I have your attention, please?
My son and his husband would like to ask all couples to join them on the dance floor.
Oh, that's very nice, dear.
Ohhh.
[PIANO PLAYING]
You're done. We're going to dance.
Fake to the right. Nice.
I'm done. I'm done. I'm done!
Dance me.
May I have the honor, Mrs. Goldenblatt?
You most certainly may.
WOMAN [SINGING]: Sad sensation
Lately I've not slept a wink
CHARLOTTE: Come on, honey. HARRY: Come on, sweetie.
CHARLOTTE: Let's go dance.
Care to dance?
Just us two?
[LAUGHING]
Samantha, you look amazing.
Oh, yes, you do. What have you had done?
Nothing. I'm 100 percent natural.
I'm serious. I need names.
- Gentlemen. - I heard that.
You looked pretty hot out there before. Wanna dance again?
I can think of so many other more fun things I'd rather do with you.
- I'm Nicky. - Samantha.
Nice to meet you, Samantha.
What do you do for a living, Nicky?
I lay concrete.
That sounds promising.
SAMANTHA: Yeah. Yeah! NICKY: Yeah!
SAMANTHA: Yeah! NICKY: Yeah!
SAMANTHA: Yeah! MAN: What the...?
SAMANTHA: Yeah. NICKY: Yeah.
[SAMANTHA & NICKY YELLING]
[ROSE CRYING]
CHARLOTTE: Rose, come on, now. Come on, now. Sleepy time.
Rose. Come on.
Rose, Rose, Rose.
- Please? - Good. Good. Here?
Let's go sleepy.
Please, Rose?
Come on, come on.
SAMANTHA: Yeah! NICKY: Yeah!
[ROSE CONTINUES CRYING]
SAMANTHA: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- I don't know which is worse. - Samantha.
The baby will tire eventually.
Let's get a little white noise.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: Right from your home. Amnesty International.
MAN 2: Visit any location. Lumber Liquid...
WOMAN: Where do you want to...?
- Jackpot. COLBERT: Do you mind if I try?
A little black-and-white noise.
It Happened One Night.
CARRIE: Never seen it.
Well, kid, you are in for a treat.
Climb up in here.
GABLE: What are you gonna do?
A system all my own.
Oh, that's shocking.
For the '30s, it was.
Did you see it when it opened originally?
Aren't you going to give me a little credit?
CARRIE: She's pretty.
She's got nothing on you.
CARRIE: There Big and I were...
...somewhere between wild sex and a baby.
- Hey, you. - Hey, how are you?
MAN 1: Hi, guys. MAN 2: How are you?
CARRIE: Thanks.
- Ready to order? - Um, I think we'll wait for our friend.
WAITRESS: Okay. Yup. MIRANDA: Thanks.
MAN: Okay. Yeah, that sounds great. Yeah. - That's a whole lot of health.
- How many are there? - Forty-four.
I'm on the one-a-day Fruity Pebbles plan.
Women our age shouldn't joke about vitamins.
Women who are not our age shouldn't say "women our age."
- Yeah. - Well, one day very soon you will thank me.
I am leading the way through the menopause maze.
With my vitamins, my melatonin sleep patches, my bioidentical estrogen cream...
...progesterone cream, a touch of testosterone...
- She's the hormone whisperer. - I am.
I've tricked my body into thinking it's younger.
I've tricked my body into thinking it's thinner. Spanx.
And I'm telling you, no hot flashes, no mood swings...
...and my sex drive, it's right back to where it was.
- Really? Hadn't heard. - Where are you getting your information?
From Suzanne Somers and her team of doctors.
I'll get you a copy. It's a revelation.
You're taking medical advice from the woman who invented the ThighMaster?
Damn right. Have you seen my thighs?
Okay, go ahead, laugh. It's working.
By the time you ladies are 50, I'll be 35.
CHARLOTTE: Take Mommy's hand. - Oh, here she is.
I thought it was just gonna be the four of us.
Don't worry, the nanny will be here.
Harry's just not back from playing golf.
CARRIE: Oh, here.
Let me hold that pretty little morning Rose.
ROSE: No. No. - Okay, no sale.
She just learned the word "no."
Good for her. We're hoping Samantha learns it one of these days.
- Terrible twos. - She's not terrible.
No, of course, she's not terrible. The terrible twos are terrible.
Right.
She's in the "I only want Mommy" phase.
And me and Erin.
That's right. Just you and me and Erin.
- Who's Erin? - Her nanny.
How are you gonna swallow all those?
Have we met?
Erin!
- Good morning, ladies. - Morning.
I hear it was quite the glorious wedding.
[IN IRISH ACCENT] It was.
ERIN: Oh, and you must be the famous Samantha.
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Now, I know a little girl...
...who would just love to practice her cartwheels on the lawn.
LILY: Yay. ERIN: Yay.
CHARLOTTE: Do you have the sunblock?
ERIN: Come to me, you little pet.
There you go.
- Yes. - You have yourselves a lovely morning.
MIRANDA: You too. CHARLOTTE: Thanks, Erin.
- Oh, that is so sweet. - I know.
That's your nanny?
Yes, that's Erin.
You mean Erin Go Braless.
Ha, ha. She doesn't wear a bra.
- Was she wearing a bra at the job interview? - I don't know.
I was too busy thinking about her degree in Children's Education...
...and how much the girls liked her. - Her tits never came up?
No, her tits never came up.
- And she's amazing. SAMANTHA: Well, I'm sure she is.
But, honey, there ought to be a law against hiring a nanny that looks like that.
Yeah, the Jude Law.
[LAUGHING]
WAITRESS: Are we ready? MIRANDA: Yes, I think so.
LILY: One, two, three! HARRY: Yeah, go!
That's a good girl! One more time!
It seems it wasn't only the children that were captivated by Charlotte's Irish nanny...
...and her lucky charms.
And later that day, Big and I arrived home.
BIG: Hot in here. CARRIE: Yeah.
I'll get the air in the bedroom.
- You get the living room. - Okay.
After Big and I sold the extravagant rooftop penthouse...
...we thought we were meant to live in...
...we decided that maybe we needed to come a little more down to earth.
So we did.
Twelve floors, to be exact.
We may be closer to earth...
...but we kept a little bit of heaven.
MAN [ON TV]: We've got excellent panels, some of the best blinds...
It's 4:30. Where should I make reservations? Any cravings?
Don't we have anything to eat here?
Nothing?
Come on. You knew when you married me I was more Coco Chanel than coq au vin.
Let's just order in.
We ordered in two nights last week.
BIG: Well, we've been out all weekend.
Let's just stay home.
Okay.
- That couch is good, right? - Mm-hm.
Worth the year and a half wait.
[CARRIE CHUCKLES]
All we need is a piece for that corner and we're done.
You did good, kid.
You know you have your shoes on the couch, right?
Year and a half, I'm just saying.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- That must be the rest of the luggage. - Oh, good.
For a minute I thought it might be the shoe police.
[LAUGHS]
And a few mornings later, in a different home...
Why bring rat into New York house?
So Brady can win the second grade science fair. Right, B-boy?
BRADY; Yeah, I'm gonna win.
- Sit down, please, have some breakfast. - I can't.
I have this presentation and I'm sick to my stomach.
I used to love going to work and now I'm sick at the thought of it.
Here.
- Two bites. - Thanks, Magda.
You don't have to put yourself through this.
I'm a lawyer. That's who I am.
Life's too short. Go someplace where they appreciate you.
Until you find a better job, you can be home and help out around the house.
MIRANDA: I've waited too long to get here.
I just have to suck it up.
Yeah.
Mom, you gonna come to the science fair today?
STEVE: Sorry, honey, she can't. Mommy's... - She has to go to work. Yeah.
MAN: We think that these new numbers show a much more optimistic upside for us.
And the savings that we found for the client...
...will easily make up for any escalated legal fees that they incur.
So it's win-win.
It's totally win-win, Tom. And what's more, based on...
Kevin, I'd like you to run with this from here on.
But it's Miranda's case.
Actually, it's the firm's case, and as senior partner, I'm...
Is there a problem?
I don't know. Is there?
Have something you'd like to say to me in private?
I don't know that it needs to be in private.
WOMAN: Okay, and we're all paying attention.
Honorable mention goes to Rachel for "What is Static Electricity?"
- Let's give her a big hand. - What?
- I quit. - Good for you.
- You okay? - I'll get another job. A better job.
And I already called the headhunter. Where's Brady?
Now, our first prize goes to Brady for his Mouse Maze.
[SCREAMS]
Hey, Mom, I won!
I made it.
I never make it.
WOMAN: Good work, Brady. MAGDA: Good boy.
ERIN: Your dolphin has got all the skills...
...and it's gonna have a little swim with the crab.
Yes, it is, baby girl.
Hey, cutie, come look. Now, what does this do here?
Look at this. Well, what is that gonna do?
There can be many tortured moments in the life of someone...
...who spends her days writing books.
The antidote to those moments...
...is the moment the finished book finally arrives.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hello? - Do I have anything to worry about?
- Can you be more specific? - I mean with the nanny and Harry.
That's just Samantha.
You're the one who said that thing about Jude Law.
Oh, sweetie, it was a joke. You know, it was right there, I had to go for it.
- And it was funny. - No, no, I really wish I hadn't said it.
- Look, Mommy. - Just a second, honey...
...I just have to finish these cupcakes for the party tomorrow, okay?
- Hey, wait, what was I saying? - Should you be threatened.
Did I say "threatened"?
Uh...
- Should I be threatened? - Look, Mommy, look.
Okay, honey. Let me just put Rose in her chair. Carrie?
I'm gonna put you down for a second.
I'm gonna put the baby down, I'll be right back.
[ROSE SCREAMING OVER PHONE]
- Ooh. - It's okay. It's okay, sweetheart.
- Oh, I know. LILY: Look, Mommy, look.
CHARLOTTE: Oh, precious.
- Look at me. CHARLOTTE: It's okay.
Look. Look.
Okay, I'm listening.
Well, did you have any worries before the Samantha comment?
No, of course not.
I love Erin and I trust Harry.
I believe you just answered your own question.
Me, me, me!
Lily! This skirt is vintage.
- What skirt? - It's the cream Valentino.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
I've gotta go!
Lily, look at what you did!
Mommy just has to get something, okay?
Mommy.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
Mommy will be out in a minute.
LILY: Mommy, Mommy.
Mommy.
I was just getting more sprinkles.
Girls.
Let's go and play in my bedroom.
Mommy needs some cooking time.
Charlotte was thankful to have Erin come home at that moment.
Threat or no threat.
Bra or no bra.
Good. Come on, darling.
And from no bra on the Upper East Side...
...to no panties in Times Square.
It's 12 and your lunch is at 12:30.
SAMANTHA: I'm just freshening up.
Call the restaurant and tell them I'm going to be 15 minutes late.
MEGHAN: Samantha Jones.
Smith Jerrod's on the phone.
Refresh my memory.
- How do we know each other again? SMITH: You used to do my publicity.
Doesn't ring a bell.
You used to do me.
Oh, ding, ding ding.
How's L. A?
I'm in Abu Dhabi.
You're back in the Middle East?
SMITH: Yeah. We're shooting the poster for the movie I made here.
And I just found out that we're premiering in New York.
I'm calling because I want you on that red carpet next to me.
WOMAN: Smith.
- You do? - Hell, yeah.
My career never would've happened without you.
Who else would I take to my big night?
That is so sweet.
[PHONE CHIMES]
Oh. Honey? I gotta go.
I'm pulling up my panties to get to a lunch date.
[ERYKAH BADU'S "WINDOW SEAT" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Not to brag...
...but did I make us a delicious anniversary meal?
It was delicious.
And you did brag.
Oops.
You have a little osso buco right...
...there.
See, that's one of the perks of eating at home. You get to kiss the cook.
And no tipping.
[LAUGHING]
- More wine? - Yes, please.
Happy anniversary.
- Now? - Yes, now.
Before I'm lulled into a coma by your light Milanese fare.
- Very nice. - It's vintage. It's from 1968.
[WHISTLES]
Very, very nice.
And it's engraved.
BIG: "Me and you.
Just us two."
Your gift is in the bedroom.
There better be something in there I haven't already seen.
Well, I've seen the desk.
But you haven't seen what's in the desk.
A state-of-the-art flat-screen.
WOMAN [ON TV]: And when bedtime comes, take them in your arms...
- And... ...into your dreams.
WowWee Alive comes in pups. Each sold separately from WowWee.
So we can lay in bed and watch old black-and-white movies.
The only word I heard in that sentence was "old."
Come on. You remember how nice it was...
...at the hotel watching It Happened One Night.
Yes. And it was nice because it only happened one night in a hotel.
Did I fuck up?
Well, a piece of jewelry would've been nice.
Oh.
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Can you get me and Big invited to Smith's premiere?
- Oh, yeah, sure. - Good.
I think we need some glamour.
You know, the television and the ordering in...
...it's just getting a little too "Mr. and Mrs. Married."
- You'll have a good time. - Yeah. Ooh.
Look at that.
Very nice.
It is a fabulous dress for the premiere.
What's the worst thing they could say about me in this dress?
Uh...
- "Who the hell does she think she is?" - Just went to the top of my list.
So, um, you and Smith.
You're going to this premiere together as?
Oh, honey, just friends. But I may throw him a fuck if I like the movie.
Oh, that's nice. That should take the edge off the reviews.
Carrie. I haven't seen you here in forever.
Yeah, I know. I've been cheating on fashion with furniture.
- So, what can I help you with? - Well, we need to find a red-carpet look...
...for my friend Samantha. - And I think we found it.
Is that maybe a little young?
I don't know.
Exactly how old do you think I am?
And not that it matters...
...but I am 50-fucking-2 and I will rock this dress.
I'll get you a changing room.
How's the writing going? Still working for Vogue?
- Freelance. - Oh, that's fabulous.
You had to do that to her?
Well, how else is she gonna learn?
And speaking of Vogue...
...they want you to write a piece to accompany the release of your book.
Oh, great. Has there been any long-lead press reaction to the book yet?
Not yet, but I'm sure it'll all be fabulous.
Is that you?
I hope so.
- Who else has a key? - The Gristedes delivery boy.
Really?
Well, you know, you want food at home, that's a risk you take.
Don't get too comfortable on that couch. We have to be at the premiere in an hour.
- Is that tonight? - Mm-hm.
- On a Monday? - Yes.
We don't go out on Mondays.
Well, first of all, I didn't know we didn't...
...and second of all, problem?
The market fell a hundred points...
...and now I have to get dressed up and go to some Hollywood thing?
All you have to do is put on a fresh shirt.
Can't you go without me?
I don't wanna go without you. I wanna go with you.
That's the point.
Me and you out on the town.
I've been out on the town for 30 years.
I've seen the town, kid.
You go have fun with your friends.
But I wanna spend time with you.
Oh, well, if you wanna spend time with me, we'll stay here.
At our home. Which you made so perfect.
[PATTING PILLOW]
You just don't want to get your ass off the couch.
All right, fine. Stay.
I'll go with Stanford.
Okay.
MAN [ON TV]: Information. What is it?
What's that?
Oh, I picked up some dinner from that new Japanese place on Madison.
- before their acquisition changed history, before the merger, certainty...
...before action, knowledge. Thomson Reuters.
Throw this back. We're going.
- I thought you just said... - I changed my mind.
Do you really want to be pushed and shoved in a crowd and eat bad catered food?
Yes. Yes. I'm dying to be pushed and shoved in a crowd...
...and eat bad catered food.
I'm dying to eat anything that doesn't come in a takeout box.
Bottoms up.
I'll put out a fresh shirt.
MAN: Fans on the right, take models to the left.
I think we're a little overdressed, don't you?
Please walk off the red carpet.
Oh, we're VIPs. See?
Show your bracelets.
Show your bracelet.
MAN 1: Smith! Right here!
- One more. MAN 1: One more.
Samantha looks smoking hot.
Is that dress maybe a little young?
MAN 2: Miley! WOMAN: Miley!
MAN 3: Miley! - Maybe.
ANTHONY: Mother of God.
She's wearing the same dress as teen queen Miley Cyrus.
STANFORD: I know what's gonna happen, but I can't look away.
It's a red-carpet Hindenburg.
MAN 1: Right this way, Miley! MAN 2: Over here!
Awkward times two.
WOMAN: Miley! Miley, is that your mother?
MAN 3: Miley! Miley, right here! Miley!
CARRIE: Sometimes, a girlfriend is a girl you've never even met.
Great dress.
Thanks for saying that.
And all is right in Hollywood.
- Ooh. - Just got pushed.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
In the VIP room at the after-party...
...Samantha found herself in the middle of the Middle East...
...seated directly across from the film's producer, Sheikh Khalid.
This is our first venture into the world film market...
...and we are honored to be represented...
...by such a magnificent American star as Smith Jerrod.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
But you should really be thanking Samantha.
I mean, it's all her. I was just a waiter before she came along.
She handled my public relations and made everybody see me as a star.
Is this true?
Well...
...yes.
[CHUCKLING]
Have you ever been to the United Arab Emirates?
No, and I could kick myself.
But friends of mine have been to Dubai and they say it is amazing.
Dubai is...
I am at a loss for the word in English.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Dubai is over.
- Really? - With all respect to my Emirate brother...
...Abu Dhabi is the future.
A progressive, global city of commerce, culture and...
...style.
- It is the new Middle East. - The new Middle East.
But you should see it for yourself. As my guest, at my new hotel.
And if it does not interfere too much with your wonderful time...
...we might be able to discuss some business.
- Business? - Perhaps you could make...
...America see my hotel as a star as you did with Smith Jerrod.
And suddenly, it's all about the couch.
Two years ago, we never even uttered the word "couch."
And now, our entire universe revolves around it.
Count your blessings.
Remember when you couldn't even get him to sleep over?
Yeah, I know. I know.
We're out tonight. He could at least slap on a smile and have a good time.
Already had a nervous breakdown. No, believe me...
He seems to be having a good time now.
CARRION: People think that Spaniards don't work...
...that we just take siestas and drink Rioja and go to the beach.
There was a jumbo shrimp free-for-all at the raw bar.
- I'm gonna be... I'll be right back. - Okay.
Every night before bed, I am on my knees praying:
"Please, God, let it stay up."
- Please let what stay up? - Hi. The stock market.
- This is Carmen Garcia Carrion. - Carrion.
- Very good.
She is the Senior Vice President of the Bank of Madrid.
- Hi. CARRIE: Hi.
- This is... - Carrie Preston. Hi.
Oh, Carrie Preston. Nice to meet you. Your husband is very charming.
Isn't he?
So you were right about the catered food and the shoving.
So I'm ready to go whenever you are.
Oh.
- Well, nice to meet you both. - Nice to meet you.
I'll try to keep it up for you.
- You're so funny. He's very funny. - He is.
- Good night. - Good night.
Bye. Good night.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: Is that all you got?
MAN 2: I mean, all we're trying to do is just keep from getting dead.
Damn!
MAN 3: Since the very first Deadliest Catch cameras rolled seven seasons ago...
It's a little loud.
- the fleet has gone on more than 60 voyages.
And for the record, that is not a black-and-white movie.
What?
That was supposed to be for black-and-white movies...
...and that is not a black-and-white movie.
When the gay guy hit on me at the wedding you thought it was funny.
I'm not upset about the flirt.
I like the flirt. In fact, you could dial up the flirt around here a little more.
I get TV and take-out guy...
...and Bank of Madrid lady, she gets sparkle guy.
I'm sorry. Are we having a discussion or watching television?
What is it with you and this television?
I don't wanna be one of those couples...
...lying in bed, watching television and not talking.
That is not the relationship I signed up for.
It's a television, not the end of the world.
Well, maybe to you it's not.
The Bering Sea has many faces.
You're not happy in, and you're not happy out.
What does that mean?
Well, what do you want from me?
I put on the shirt, I went to the thing...
...and now you're hammering me about lying in bed and watching a little TV?
I mean, what is the problem?
Look...
...it's just going to be you and me...
...every night, for the rest of our lives.
And I think that we are going...
...to have to work on the sparkle...
...for the rest of our lives.
Sparkle.
Got it.
Listen to that!
When it starts really screaming, the waves stack up, and you've got these big, nasty...
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CARRIE: The last two years weren't exactly the best time...
...to put an apartment on the market.
So we didn't.
And from time to time, I'd come here to write.
Or to visit the clothes.
[PHONE RINGS]
- Hello? - What time did you wake up?
I don't know, about 6.
I'm worried about the Vogue article, so I wanted to get started.
You haven't written over there in a while.
Yeah, I know. I know. I just...
I don't know, I thought it would be easier to work here. No distractions.
- Okay. - Anyway, it's due Thursday...
...and I'm not even sure what I'm writing yet, so, um...
Maybe I should just stay here until I get it done.
You're going to stay there?
Just two days. You know, just to bang it out.
- Is that all right? - Whatever you need.
- Everything okay? - Yeah.
No, I just feel like I really need to lock myself in a room...
...and not think about anything but writing.
Okay?
Okay.
- Just two days. Okay? - Okay.
- Bye.
Bye.
And I did think about nothing but writing.
Until the next day, when I could think about nothing but food.
And as long as I was going to break to eat anyway, I thought:
"Why not call the girls?"
One week in Abu Dhabi, all expenses paid.
I've always been fascinated by the Middle East. You know, desert moons...
...Scheherazade, magic carpets.
- Like Jasmine in Aladdin? - Yes, sweetie, just like Jasmine.
But with cocktails.
- It is exciting. When are you gonna go? - I don't know. When can you all be free?
You didn't think I was going without my gals.
- What? - I told the sheikh I'd go on one condition:
I'd get to bring my three best girlfriends.
- Get out of town. - My point exactly.
And we are being flown on the sheikh's own airline.
- He has his own airline? - Mm-hm.
- Oh, that is one chic sheikh. SAMANTHA: Super, super, super first class.
And you get your own individual suite on the plane.
- Oh, my God. SAMANTHA: All expenses paid for...
...everything for all of us. All we have to do is pick the week.
And the sooner, the better. I can hear the decadence calling.
Let me just check my work schedule. Yeah. All clear.
I gotta check with the old ball and chain, but I'm good to go. Middle East me.
Charlotte, how's three weeks from now?
Oh, I don't know. I...
We have to go this month. Next month, it gets so hot, you burst into flames.
I bet that's not on their website.
I mean, I don't know if I can go at all.
I have two children.
Yes, yes, but you have a husband.
And a full-time nanny. You said so yourself. The kids love the nanny, right?
- Yes, but... SAMANTHA: But what? What's the problem?
I mean, we haven't been anywhere together...
...since Carrie and Big's wedding blowup honeymoon disaster.
- Memories. - And that was two years ago.
Two years of bad business and this bullshit economy, and I'm done.
We need to go somewhere rich.
- Samantha, I appreciate the... - No.
I go to children's birthday parties for you.
You are going to Abu Dhabi for me.
MIRANDA: Children's birthday parties.
Pulling out the big guns.
- Okay. - Thank you.
Look at us. Going to Abu Dhabi.
[PHONE RINGS]
- Hello. BIG: How'd it go?
Just finished. And thanks for the time.
How soon can you be dressed for dinner? I have 9:00 reservations.
Well...
...it's 8:30 already.
I'm downstairs.
CARRIE: And just like that, it was 1998 again.
I'll be right down.
- Hey, kid. - Hey.
I missed you.
We had a wonderful dinner out.
And back at home...
...the television stayed off the entire night.
And pretty soon, the Middle East was upon us.
I need that.
- Almost packed? - One more to go.
I had an idea I wanted to talk to you about.
Remember when you took those two days away to finish your article...
...and then we had that great night? - Mm-hm.
Maybe we should think about doing that every week.
Hear me out.
After you took those two days at your old apartment, I started thinking:
What if I got a place?
- You want your own apartment? - No, not my own apartment.
Just a place that I can go two days a week...
...lie around, watch television, do the shit I wanna do that bugs you.
And then the other five days...
...I'd be here and available for dinners and sparkle or whatever.
So you're telling me that you want two days off a week from our marriage.
And you'd have the same two days.
Oh, my God.
To work or see your friends.
Do the things you wanna do without me.
But I don't wanna do things without you.
Carrie, come on, I know you.
Can you honestly tell me you didn't enjoy those two days to yourself?
Two days, yes, but I don't need it every week.
Are you saying you need it every week?
I don't know, it was just an idea. Something to think about.
Marriage doesn't work like that.
I thought we were supposed to be making up our own rules.
So two days, then four days, then what, no days?
- Is that where this is heading? - I never would've brought it up if I thought...
...it was gonna make you think I want out. Look, I knew two years ago:
I am exactly where I wanna be.
Five days a week.
Look, I'm just trying to make it a little easier for us to live together.
I mean, we're married...
...but we're still us.
Is this because I'm a bitch wife who nags you?
I feel like I'm disappointing you all the time.
No, you're not disappointing me.
Well, something is.
So, what would I tell the girls? "Big and I are taking two days a week off...
...to make our marriage work better"? They'd never understand.
I don't care if they understand.
This is our marriage.
Me and you. Just like you said.
Carrie...
...we're adults without children.
We have the luxury to design our life.
Well, you can't get your own apartment.
That would freak me out and it's a waste of money.
You can have my old place two days a week.
Temporarily, till I figure out how I feel about this.
And I can take it back any time.
Deal.
[PHONE RINGS]
- There's the car. - I'll get your bags.
Oh, yes, you will.
And in a week, I'll pick you up at the airport and take you home.
Whose home, yours or mine?
Ours.
WOMAN 1: Welcome. CHARLOTTE: Thank you.
WOMAN 2 [OVER PA]: Ladies and gentlemen...
...we are pleased to welcome you onboard our flight to Abu Dhabi International Airport.
- Nice. - Hi.
Wow.
Welcome aboard Afdal Air.
Thank you.
Thank you. I love your hat.
Thank you.
And I thought mine was gonna be too much.
Oh, my God.
- This is bigger than my first apartment. - Hot towel?
And everything is so beautiful.
Just like I promised: the best of the best.
And look:
Arabic Pringles.
Okay, now I'm impressed.
WOMAN 1: Date? WOMAN 2: Would you care for a date?
Not on vacation five minutes and I already got a date.
Dates are the traditional welcome fruit of the Middle East.
I read that in one of these.
- Oh. You moving there? - I've got us covered. The dos and don'ts.
And speaking of don'ts...
...men and women do not embrace in public in the Middle East.
Eh, eh, eh! No, no, no. She's talking to you, sister.
Oh, please. We're going to the new Middle East.
And when I need a break from all the real information...
...I have this.
Let me see this.
[WOMAN SPEAKING IN ARABIC OVER PA]
Oh, listen. How exotic. I wonder what she's saying.
Probably telling us not to bring those magazines on a 13-hour plane ride...
...with an impressionable woman. - Charlotte, honey, don't read that.
Sorry.
[SAMANTHA LAUGHING]
You see, it becomes a "Y" after a few drinks.
- I see. - Care for another round, ladies?
[SPEAKS IN ARABIC]
It means "yes."
[SPEAKS IN ARABIC]
Yeah, not the best word for her to learn.
How many times are you gonna read that?
Big and I are thinking about taking two days a week apart to do our own thing.
Is everything okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just something we're talking about.
You know, he would get two days off to do his things...
...and on those days, I would do my things.
You know, like write or have dinner with you guys...
...or I don't know, whatever.
Love it. I'm available.
Two days off? You make marriage sound like a job.
Well, it may not be a job, but it's work.
Well, would that mean that you would have two nights off too?
Mm-hm.
- Where would you sleep? - Well, he's gonna stay at my old place...
...and I'll stay at our new place.
I loved that time when Steve and I knew we were together...
...but we still had our own places. That was the best of both worlds.
I just think marriage is two people...
...night after night, sleeping in the same bed.
You have four people in your bed.
I've had four people in my bed.
[MIRANDA GROANS]
No?
Well, ladies...
...I am going to slap on a patch of melatonin...
...and have a seven-star snooze.
- I will see you in the Middle East. - Night.
[SPEAKS IN ARABIC]
It means "good night."
[SPEAKS IN ARABIC]
I'm sorry.
Explain it again.
Just, what is it really about?
Big and I are just trying to make our own rules.
You know, figure out what works best for us as a couple...
...not what society says should work for us.
Okay. God.
Charlotte...
...we're adults with no children.
We have the luxury to design our own life.
But doesn't it hurt your feelings that he would want time off?
You just don't get it.
Somewhere over Africa...
...I began to wonder about relationships.
Can we really ever expect anyone on the outside...
...to understand what goes on between two other people?
Eight time zones and a change of clothes later, we arrived in the future.
Have any of you ladies ever been to the Middle East before?
No, we're all virgins.
Thank you.
Super, super, super gentle. Thank you, thank you.
I am sorry, but...
...do you have any drugs in your luggage?
No. Just my hormones.
You gotta be kidding me.
I am sorry. It is just a UAE law.
But they're all natural. They're made from yams.
Ladies, these are not drugs.
Okay, I need to speak to an ambassador or an embassy...
...or someone in menopause.
Samantha, please calm down.
- This is getting very, very Midnight Express. - Okay. Fine, take them.
Without those creams and vitamins, I will go ricocheting back into menopause.
- Relax, it's one week. - Tell that to the beard I'll be growing.
We've set your meeting with Sheikh Khalid for the end of your trip...
...after you and your friends have experienced...
...the best of what Abu Dhabi has to offer.
Which starts right now.
Yours for the entire trip.
Four new Maybachs.
Wow, do we need all four?
It is already arranged.
I'll be in my own private air conditioning.
I will be departing from you here. The hotel awaits your arrival.
If you need me for anything, please do not hesitate to ask.
Could you help me check and make sure...
...that my iPhone has the proper international code?
I think that we can find someone not so official to help with that.
- He offered. - Hey, what's the holdup?
We got a lot of Abu Dhabi to do.
Abu Dhabi do.
Welcome to Abu Dhabi.
- Thank you. - Pleasure.
Oh, my God.
[CARRIE GASPS]
Oh, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
Miss Jones?
I am Mr. Safir, the hotel manager.
- I trust your flight was pleasant? - Like a magic carpet.
- How charming. For you. - Oh, thank you.
- Please, for you. - Thank you.
Please... Oh, thank you.
This way, if you please, ladies.
How do we tip in Abu Dhabi?
Have you got any loose rubies?
SAFIR: We have many wonderful things planned for you at the hotel.
CHARLOTTE: Oh. This is gorgeous. SAFIR: Thank you.
And, please, some Arabic coffee.
- Thank you. - Made with rose water and cumin.
[SPEAKS IN ARABIC]
That means "thank you."
- You speak Arabic? - Not yet.
SAFIR: Well, you're off to a great start.
It's different.
Not your cup of tea.
- What's with all the men? - Thank you.
SAFIR: Oh, the World Cup trials are here.
SAMANTHA: Wow.
- Did they also bring their balls? - Yes, they have many, many balls.
This way please, for your private elevator.
- We have a private elevator? - Apparently.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
This can't be for us.
We must not be in the right place.
No, for once in my life, I can say without a shadow of a doubt...
...I am in the exact right place.
Who ordered the cute?
Welcome to the Jewel Suite.
- Who is Miss Jones? - I am.
We are thrilled to welcome you and your guests.
- Thank you. GAURAU: Abdul will be your butler...
...Miss Jones. - Mm.
- Miss Bradshaw? - Oh, that's me.
- I am Gaurau. I will be here to serve you. - Thank you.
And Resir for Miss Hobbes.
It's "Hobbes."
I'm so very sorry.
No, it's...
It's not a big deal. It's fine.
And Adman for Miss York.
If you will, please, follow us.
- We each get our own butler? - Makes sense, we each get our own car.
Rotunda. Miss York, this way, if you will.
"York"? What happened to "Goldenblatt"?
- It's the Middle East. - It's the new Middle East.
It's the Middle East.
This is the den. Complete with its own private bar.
Ooh. Belly up, ladies.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
There is also a private kitchen available for you day and night.
Dream come true.
In here, you will find your informal lounge.
[GASPING AND OOHING]
Through there, the double boudoir.
- Roomies. - Roomies.
And in here, the formal salon.
And, ladies, out on the terrace...
...you have an overview of the entire grounds.
[WOMEN GASPING]
There's also a bar pool, five international restaurants, a spa...
...a fitness center, a nightclub...
...and, of course, the beach and beach clubs.
I've taken the liberty of arranging massages for you, followed by an early dinner.
Then you can have a good night's rest and wake up tomorrow fresh.
There's nothing I don't love about everything you just said.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
Here is Abdul with drinks.
If there is anything you need...
...please do not hesitate to ask. We are at your service.
MIRANDA: The robes are called abayas...
...and the veil that covers everything except the eyes is a niqab.
Certainly cuts back on the Botox bill.
"Women are required to dress in a way that does not attract sexual attention."